Balance.

I'm overwhelmed with both joy and stress.

How does that even work?

Joy- the sweet dog snoozing on the couch and the cinnamon candle burning on the coffee table.

Stress- the mountain of reading I've already had to do this week and it's only Tuesday.

Joy- the most patient, wise and creative husband who has been doing more than his share of housework while I've been busy with school.

Stress- the project proposal due tonight, for the class I have absolutely no grasp of.

Joy- so many wonderful, sweet friends.

Stress- no time to have all of the coffee dates my text message inbox is full of invitations for.

Joy- 16 pages of my thesis done.

Stress- Only 16 pages of my thesis done.

This balance is so beautiful, I'm afraid if I blink, it might disappear. What would the joy be without any of the stress? And how debilitating would the stress be without all of those glimmers of joy? What an exciting time of life this is. I wish I could save "25 year old grad student with the best husband and dog in the world" forever.

Alone but Not Lonely

I've never been away from home for longer than two weeks. I've never been away from my husband for longer than 48 hours, since we've been married. But here I am, sitting in my room in Michigan, 2300 miles away from home and husband. I've been here for two weeks already. Two more to go. A month long summer program for grad school- 5 classes in 4 weeks. I've been having a great time- I'm learning SO MUCH, laughing until my sides hurt with my friends, and am still fascinated and mesmerized by fireflies every evening.

I'm here with three other people from my program, and we're subletting rooms at an adorable house near the program. Today is day 14, officially the longest I've ever been away from my own bed. The homesickness sort of started hitting me over the past couple days. Maybe 4th of July, because it's one of my favorite holidays and I didn't get to do any of the normal traditions. 

My main thought over the past few days is that I think it's fully possible to feel alone, but still not lonely. I feel very alone here in Michigan- I'm here with a few hundred graduate students in my field of study and I've met some amazing people, had some great discussions and I am so so glad I'm here- but I feel alone at the same time. I haven't met a single Christ follower in all these 500 people. I'm learning what it means to be in but not of the word. I'm learning where I am strong and where I am weak. Jesus is right here beside me and it is so cool to depend on Him instead of my community or my family. I feel like He's giving me a fair taste of what it might be like to be a Christian in academia, which is what I hope to pursue my career in. 

I'm thankful for this month of self discovery. I'm also very thankful for modern technologies such as Facetime and Facebook to keep me connected to the people I love. I'm certainly not lonely, with my three hilarious friends and my classes full of smart people with similar interests as me. But I do feel very alone in my faith- I'm so used to friends encouraging me or praying with me, or my Bible study group, or even just going to church on Sunday mornings. It is neat that without all of that, I still have Jesus, and He is always with me and always faithful. I guess this month is teaching me how to own my faith more, and not depend on other people to meet me spiritual needs when I should just be depending on Jesus. 

So alone I sit in my little room, but I'm not lonely. I have my guitar and endless songs to sing to the God of the universe! How cool is that?

The Past Year

May 9th of last year was a very strange day in my life. I woke up in a little hotel room 100 miles from home, and began to get ready to go to my beloved uncle's funeral. Marty died of ALS, only 8-9 months after his diagnosis. The degenerative disease appeared slowly at first, slurring his speech, but ramped up quickly. June of 2011 we were at his surprise 60th birthday party and nobody knew anything was wrong. The doctors had said his slightly slurred speech was a side affect of a medication he was on. A month or so later came the diagnosis- a speech pathologist's hunch confirmed by another doctor. We lost him the following April. 

He was the best uncle. Crazy, adventurous, caring, compassionate, grounded and faithful. His family was the most important thing in the world to him, and his dedication to me would often bring him down to San Diego, 100 miles from his Orange County home. He was there for every birthday, Thanksgiving, graduation, or even every play I was in. Even when I just had a chorus part. And it wasn't just me- he was that involved in the lives of everyone- his siblings, cousins, second cousins, his own aunts, his two daughters and three grandchildren, and his church family. He would call me once or twice a week just to check in. The phone calls never lasted more than 40 seconds, but that was all the time he needed to say hi, make sure Dan and I were both doing well, and to say that he loved me. It was Fall of 2011 when the phone calls stopped. His speech function had diminished by that point. 

So there I was, sitting in that hotel room on May 9th of last year, wondering how I was going to get through that day. I had written a song to play and sing about him at the service, and I was doubting if I had the courage and composure to hold it together. I distracted myself by checking my email on my phone. I got an email that I was NOT expecting, and I think I can honestly say it changed my life. The subject said "Graduate Application Status." This is what I read:

Dear Alicia,
Upon recommendation of the faculty, I am pleased to inform you that you have been admitted to graduate study at San Diego State University for the Fall 2012 semester.  On behalf of the faculty, students and staff, I welcome you to the University and express our shared hope that your studies here will be both productive and rewarding.

I was shocked. I ran across the hotel barefoot in my pj's and banged on my parent's hotel room door. They were both still asleep. My mom groggily opened the door and I ran in and jumped on the bed, unable to contain my joy.

Uncle Marty would have been so excited.

This year has flown by.  A year of grad school, and a year of firsts without him around. I didn't get to tell him about the crazy people I have met this year and election season was not nearly as comical without all his political jokes. 

Isn't it strange though, how a year that is full of so much sadness can also be full of so much joy at the same time? This really has been one of the best years of my life- I have learned so much, and am studying a subject I am truly passionate about. I'm halfway done with this masters now. Next year at this time, I'll be graduating with my M.A. in Linguistics. I can't even begin to imagine, with his out of control sense of humor, what kind of things he would have said about me being a linguist. I probably would have gotten annoyed by them, because he always said the same jokes over and over until we all couldn't stand them anymore. He was a hurricane of energy. I'll miss him on graduation day, for sure. 

Looking back, I guess I see May 9th of last year as an interesting turning point in my life. It was the day I said goodbye to one of the most solid people I have ever known- an example of Christ's love and what a family is supposed to be like- but also the day that I see as the start of this adventure that I'm currently on. Even though I don't get the weekly phone calls anymore, I will always associate him with my linguistic embarkation, and I think that's pretty neat. I'm so thankful for the time I did have with him, and he inspires both Dan and I to be the best uncle and aunt we can be to our nieces and nephews. 

This is us at the ALS walk, in October of 2011. This is the last picture we took together. He had already lost his ability to smile, but you can tell he's trying. About 25 of us had the privilege to walk with him on Team Marty that day. It was a lovely chance to be there for the man who had always been there for each of us. 

 

We miss you, uncle Mart! Can't wait to see you again someday.

 

 

 

Road Trip

Last week was my spring break, a perfect chance to get away for a few days and spend some time on the beautiful California coast! It was a wonderful trip. March was rough. The break was much appreciated and the beautiful scenery life-giving. Here are some pictures (in no particular order.. And sorry for the weird borders on some of them).






Big Sur. So beautiful there!



The view from Hearst Castle



Santa Cruz boardwalk




Golden Gate

 

Lake Shasta


Muir Woods

We also got the opportunity to visit Bethel Church in Redding, CA. It was amazing. Basically, Dan and I got in the car afterwards, and couldn't even talk about it because there were no words. We drove in silence for almost an hour. I definitely experienced God's presence like I never have before. It was definitely worth the extra few hours of driving. I can't wait to go back there again.

It really was a great spring break and I was so thankful to get away from distractions and responsibilities and to have time to breathe, think and process. I'm feeling rejuvenated and ready to power through the rest of this semester! I can't believe I'm almost done with a whole year of grad school. God is so faithful!

Valley

I've taken a little break from social media over the past few weeks. It has been a nice time free of distractions to just think and process through some things. This month has brought a whirlwind of emotions ranging from overwhelming joy to crushing sadness.
I know that God is good in all circumstances. That is not even a question in my mind. I will say though, that experiencing such a wide range of emotions in such a short time has left me exhausted and drained. I did not get much studying done last week, nor have I had the energy to write and process through the emotional rollercoaster I have experienced this month. I will say though, that even when words fail me, the peace that comes only from Jesus truly is overwhelming. I have experienced His love so fully and completely through this hard time; it has been clear that He does care about each detail and He meets us in our brokenness.
Last Friday morning, as I was driving to meet a friend for breakfast, Valley Song by Jars of Clay came on my Pandora station. I had never heard it before, but it so perfectly expressed how I was feeling. I just sat in my car and cried and remembered that when I am weak, He is so strong.
Here are a few of the lyrics that really connected with me:

When death like a Gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face
But I fear you aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures
I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy
And though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down
I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy
Oh, Lord sing of Your mercy,
Mercy
Your mercy

Today is a new day. One of my lovely friends from my small group sent me a sermon by Bill Johnson at Bethel church. He said that when God says no, it's because there is a better yes. I have so much hope in Jesus, and feel so much freedom in the fact that I am not in control. He has a beautiful plan, and even though there is sometimes pain, He is the master of redeeming brokenness. Hallelujah.

Chelsea's Run

Early this morning, as the sun was just beginning to rise over the mountains, I was driving towards Balboa Park and "Beautiful Things" by Gungor came on my Pandora station.  Tears filled my eyes as I heard these words: "You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust."

I have heard the song a thousand times, but listening to it while thinking about Cheslea made the words feel more true and real.  In the context of this morning, I was reminded that God can take the absolute worst imaginable situation- a tragic and horrific nightmare- to make a beautiful change affecting countless lives.

Today was the third annual "Finish Chelsea's Run", a 5k in honor and memory of Chelsea King and benefiting the Chelsea's Light Foundation.  Each year, I am completely in awe of the beauty of this event.  I'm amazed by Mr. and Mrs. King, and the dignity and grace with which they have handled a situation nothing short of any parent's nightmare.  I admire how they have refused to succumb to bitterness and have instead embraced change and hope for the youth of our country.  They honor their daughter so beautifully, which is both empowering and heartbreaking because I can't imagine the pain they continue to endure.  They are truly an inspiration.

It has been three years.  She would be 20 now.  I never met her and I never would have known she existed if she would have made it safely home from her training run that February day three years ago.   But for some reason, I feel like I know her well.  And I think that is what is most wrenching about her story and why I continue to think about her and look forward to this run every year.  In her, I see each of my high school smallgroup girls at church- 17, full of life and ambition, looking forward to graduation and the vastness of life just ahead of them.  I see myself at 17, a lover of music, learning, and creativity.  I see each of my dear friends, brimming with potential and full of laughter and adventure.  It could have happened to any one of us.

So today, thousands of people came to honor Chelsea.  Vibrant sunflowers were everywhere, and the love and hope in the air was tangible.  Even though her life was cut short, she is changing the world.  God is truly making beautiful things.





To read more about the event, click here

Visit the Chelsea's Light foundation website here. Proceeds go towards college scholarships for teens who, like Chelsea, are ready to change the world.

Coffee, Pie and Jesus

My friend, Felicia and I happen to take the same route of public transportation as part of our morning commutes.  Although our destinations are quite different, we have 20 minutes together in the mornings before I get off at my stop and she stays on.  It makes our big, spread out city seem much more intimate and Urban when you can count on seeing a friend in an out-of-the-ordinary context.

We're in the same Tuesday night Bible study so yesterday morning, being a Tuesday, we chatted about that evening's upcoming group.  It was going to be a girls night- the ladies would be meeting at my house and our husbands at a different house.  We had never done this before- usually we all just meet as couples.  Felicia and I were sharing our excitement about our impending girl's night, and how a walk to Starbucks might be in order.  She then casually mentioned that she had really be craving coffee and pie.  Suddenly, there was nothing I wanted more on that rainy day than coffee and pie. I told her I would make it happen.

After school, I bought three pounds (yes, I went a little overboard) of big, juicy blackberries, found my aunt's famous pastry recipe and got busy.  A couple hours later, I had four lovely friends and the smell of coffee and blackberry pie filling my tiny house.  We talked for almost three hours.

There is something so rejuvenating about a girls night with coffee, pie and Jesus.  I feel so renewed today; so thankful for my Jesus and my beautiful smallgroup friends.  Our lives are each so different and we each face our own set of difficulties, but we are there for each other- there to remind one another of our value and the love Jesus has for each of us.  I think we all needed that last night.  The rain, coffee and pie made it that much sweeter.